Swades and stuff.

If there are two things good for my heart, they are avocados and movies. Whatever you have, bhojpuri to documentaries on Russian hamsters JUST GIVE IT TO ME I'LL CONSUME.

So today I watched Swades, have you seen this movie? NO? Good because now you can go and watch it.

The movie begins by a quote of Gandhi and later in a scene we see Mohan briefly handling his friend's book store and there is a book on Gandhi lying on his desk. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, the same guy who came back from South Africa in a hope of bringing change in India. Sounds familiar with the plot?
So in this bookstore, aptly named Pathfinder, Mohan meets Gita and ask her about way to Charanpur. Geddit? Ok! let me say it out slowly. In a place called PATHFINDER he MET his love and asked her PATH to Charanpur. Cool? Sigh! You people.

And when Mohan reaches Charanpur he sees an old freedom fighter teaching kids about Quit India Movement. After a while Mohan gets a bit frustrated when he saw how villagers have adapted to darkness. So he tells them what can loosely be translated as "Be the change you wish to see in the world" and then with the help of villagers our hero produces electricity. Bravo! 

Not just Gandhi there is an obvious inspiration from Ramayana  in the movie, Mohan comes back home after more than a decade and just like idealist Rama, he later leaves Gita to finish his pending project. The village is called Charanpur because there were footprints of Rama and Sita and in a scene we see Mohan and Gita standing together, feet to feet in a lake. And yea! Mohan brings light to Charanpur on Diwali. 

My favourite moment of the movie is when Mohan buys a glass of water in train. Throughout the movie we see him carrying his own packed water bottles but after encountering poverty of Haridas we see a change in Mohan, somehow he embraces his motherland and in that moment he truly accepts* India and drink what I may call indigenous water of India.

In a sequence we see Mohan taking a bath and singing I've Been Waiting For A Girl Like You which is actually by a band called Foreigners. Irony! 

Swadesh 'We the people'. Inspired from the preamble of our constitution, perhaps? 

The movie is an emotional catharsis and perhaps one of the best movies of Shahrukh Khan so maybe you should watch it. Again. 

*Over lunch when Mohan is arguing with Gita about Indian problems he said "YOU Indians never accept your mistakes".

Mathuradas! Zindagi ka dusra naam confusion hai.

Friends, Romanians and Spammers,

I am back.

Back to bring down governments, grammar and common sense.In that order.

I know this blog and its lazy author have been missing in action lately. The author has also been missing action but that's same old story. I usually blame my failures on others so I'ill blame my absence to umm... Sridevi. I mean, why not? She aint going to come and defend herself anyway. You can also  blame her for getting you to such a disgusting blog.

So bhaiya life kuch kuch aisi hai, these days I am really busy doing important things like running late for classes, deleting Ebay's 12% discount offer messages from phone and mail inbox and downloading Govinda Songs in HD. Also I am sleeping like sleeping beauty high on bhaang. Exam hain toh short mei batalata hoon.

I am in Goa and I am here for like many many months and experience so far is part depressing, part wonderful but overall interesting. Also Goa can’t make up its mind about how it wants to treat me.

I wasn't sure where to go and Goa sounded glamorous so I was like heck why not. Mom was concerned though. When you have 2000 Kilometers separating you and your son, you can’t help but worry a bit. But she had seen me watching Man Vs Wild a couple of times and trusts my surviving skills. All she warned me against were spending time at beach watching desi or firangi women.

My hostel is in Taligao and here to get a coffee you need to swim across seven oceans , tap into wild mountain ranges slay some dragons on the way to get to the nearest cafe and if waiter is in good mood you may get a coffee, at a price that you can buy coffee machines for whole colony. And with my bank balance that resembles Vatican's population I toh stay away. 

This guy Satyakam is my room mate, he wakes me up for breakfast, finds my keys when I can’t, keeps the room clean, yea basically he is the male version of a sundar , susheel and tikau bhartiya wife .

Also, weirdly most songs these days weirdly reminds me of Bhisma Pitama. Strange!

Where is my sock?

My shirt is pit stained, damp patches beneath my arms. I didn't care to change. I brought two bottles of wine, drank first one quickly and felt better, tension leaching out of neck. This one taste less bitter now. Today I saw her, we were out to meet this client and there she was in traffic in her car. I know she saw me I can tell the way she looked away like she saw something distasteful. Something off pulling in some way. I almost gave her a smile and she looked away. Robbing me away of my smile but anyway it doesn't matter. I am over. I closed the chapter. She is past. She is gone. Although I was surprised to see her here, for a second forgetting everything. But does it matter? She is married and happy. I think I should get myself a tattoo or some pet, I don't know. Something fell off the bed.. Oh it's me.....

But I loved her and when I say love its putting it mildly. I threw myself in her and she spit me out. Trust me, I know me, you don't. I am in this bar's bathroom some deal in office I give rat shit is about to get finalised this week so we are giving ourselves a break and I am very angry, like very very angry. I should perhaps write it down on paper and vent but it's been ages and I am slowly getting use to these voices. Why is this guy standing beside me? What he wants? What is he doing in loo? Should I talk to him, distract myself with small talks? I am sure he thinks I am psychotically deranged. Should perhaps talk, I like his tie, should i complement him? Would it sound pansie?
"Sup with those brows man?"
Why did I even said that? He didn't look at me.
He is still silent. Is he robot? Or is he just fermenting in his own sadness like me. Who left him? I need a drink. 

 know you might be wondering I talk shit and I am not aesthetically pleasing and cohesive in academic, literary sense but hey it's my life and I do my own shit my way. I need a drink.... Fuck this shit man...

I am gonna cut that bitch and make her feel the pain I feel, I will pierce her flesh and let warm blood trickle down and then I will mercy kill her because I love her and I can't see her in pain for long. Yea! That's what I gonna do. I am drunk again, welcome back. Tonight I am missing her so extra vodka shots, because what's the point of saving all these sperms and for whom?I remember that week in college when I didn't know you were leaving me I promised you I won't drink vodka or anything and i meant it and it was all beautiful and happy and so perfect. Tonight I am making sinkhole in vodka with your all the 'I love yous' and crawling into them to hear the echo of your voice. How easily you went away like it was nothing. Bitch! And how happy and beautiful you were looking that day without a shadow of sadness.
It was so nice and so relaxing to be with you sometime it was even more nice but it also sucked a lot of time when you were having all those mood swings and other stuff but it was perfect to me. You fought. Went away leaving quagmire of memories and quite inconvenient ending. For me it was either you or you, you should have at least said why this what is leaving god happening with me.... Strange feeling...

I like partially drunk me better, I don't know who put nirvana in my playlist and I hate nirvana. I think a lot of shit. Its not always a direct translation of reality. Like I was thinking about quitting my job, I was like "Ram what the fuck are you doing with your life? Selling soaps? Really?" And i thought about giving up but I had nothing lately to give so yea job pays enough for booze and rent and chainsaw in case some employee feel like killing his ex when drunk. So yea I am a slave of corporate bullshitology but a well played slave. At one point of my life I had given up everything, you know what point I am talking right? And when I think about her I feel strange concoction of love and hate flowing through my veins.  OK! Too sentimental, what to do should I stuff a sock up my mouth to distract?

Where is my sock? 

Fuck! Shoes taste like shit. Like her. Like her kiss and now I am thinking about our intimate moments and now I am smiling like a drunk fool and I know you are also smiling. Sweetheart. This feels good. Nope! This feels like psych ward with these noises in head and ohh what I wont do to sleep peacefully. What I won't? I think I should get a tattoo like these hippies with cum drop near the eye or something. Perhaps cat is a better idea. Whatever...

Mei toh raste se ja raha tha bhelpuri kha raha tha, What happens next will blow your mind

When I was child I had a dream. I had a dream to wear red-blue pants and dance with my crush on the tunes of "Kisi Disco mei jaye". Later I realised I am no Govinda. I can never be him. Nobody can be him (Fuck you Varun Dhawan, You Chinese Govinda). He is not just an actor but a cult, my idol, mere sapno ka raajkumar.  Kasam Shilpa Shirodkar's cheeks the girl who enjoys Govinda's brand of senseless comedy is my kinda girl. If she has seen all Govinda movies then I'ill give her extra 10 points. Infact I already know what kind of conversation I want to have  in 'Ladka Ladki ek dusre ko jaan lo' stage.

Me - Hey!  Have you seen 'Aunty No. 1'?

She - I loved it. My fav.

Me - Cool. Gambler?

She - Ayie maa! Already 25 times.

Me - That's so touching. Hum tumpe marte hain.

She - Wow Govinda and Urmila were so beautiful.

Me - Arey nahi. I mean I already love you re.
She- Dulhan toh jayegi Dulhe raja ke sath *blush*.

I have plunged in to almost every genre, swam through it’s deepest realms, and then went on to another genera to explore it, throughout my life but never found anything like Govinda music. I loved my Beatles, Nirvana, Madonna but they lacked the melody I craved. They lacked quirky lines that I can use on girls. Govinda supplied it all. And why not? It was Govinda's movies that I fell in love for the first time, Rani *Sigh* Mukherjee. Govinda  taught me that the most important thing in life isn’t gaadi, bangla, paisa, degree but it's love. Remember Raja babu? Karishma loved this illiterate Govinda and continued to love him even when he  becomes verily gareeb. So I kept a mental note that in the canvas of life one must reserve the most expansive brushstrokes for love. My love for Rani Mukherjee grew deeper and my grades got weaker.

I used to imagine myself with Rani Mukherjee lying in some hotel in Shimla and proposing her while she look at me affectionately, laugh and kiss my forehead saying 'Buddhu' and me falling for her again.  When in late 90's I heard rumours of Rani-Govinda affair it broke me. It was like your girlfriend cheating you with your bestfriend. I almost cried all night listening 'Oye Raju pyaar mat kariyo dil toot jata hai'. Later when things got clear I felt ashamed of myself. How could I even Imagine Govinda, my Govinda doing this with me? So cheap of me. I let my ideal down. I disappointed him but you know he always remained by my side like a watchful protector, silent guardian. His songs are filled with just right amount of wisdom.

Those people who stereotype him as comedian need to watch Gambler, Hatya, Swarg and many more movies in which Govinda proved  mettle of his acting. Yes, he never got Oscar but neither did Brad Pitt for acting. Maybe some legends stay that way. In Swarg Govinda challenged bollywood's first super star with acting that left our eyes moist. In Chotey miya Bade Miya he convincingly left Amitabh Bacchan behind with his belly-aching comedy. He is indeed the NO. 1 we have in bollywood. Govinda at a point was working in 49 Films simultaneously and signed record 14 films within 36 Hours. Stardom, bitches.

From 'Kurta phad ke' to 'G phad ke' Chi Chi has traveled length and breadth of bollywood. I have spent almost my whole childhood watching Sachin and Govinda on TV. When kids were singing ring-a ring-a roses I was humming 'Prem jaal mei fas gayi mei toh'. I was so busy with Govinda that I had no idea what firang music is. When in class 8, a beautiful girl asked me do I listen to backstreet boys? I told her I listen to my mom only. 

If you watch enough Govinda movies you become impressive flirt. 'lal duppate wali tera naam toh bata', a trend setting number of its times, this track was the first of its kind which made introvert guys courageous and approach girls and ask their names. Wanna take things a step ahead? We have a Govinda song for that also sir - 'What is your mobile number?'. There is always a Govinda song to describe your life's each and every moment.

Govinda is perhaps the best dancer Bollywood has, grace, fluidity, expression callisthenics. It's not easy to copy him, just try dancing like Hrithik Roshan and that's closest you can ever be to Govinda's dancing style. You've failed as a couple if you have never danced to Govinda's songs in the bedroom. IT IS MUST. I still cant resist few thumkas when I see Govinda's pelvic jerks in orange pants fastened just below his cute nipples. I can go on and on but as one Govinda song goes Bye Bye Miss Goodnight See You Again .

The Scholar's Apprentice

There were a couple living in mountains in a small tribe. The brave husband was tribal king and loved by all. Wife was beautiful and loyal who had happily left comforts of rich father to live with her husband. They gave birth to Muruga. Muruga was sent on his quest for learning and adventure. The couples later gave birth to a healthy child but with huge facial disfigurement with an elongated nose that looked like elephant trunk, they called him Ekdanta. The child was pampered since birth, feasting on sweets and rich delicacies. With no one to play he resorted to 'studying and eating' while guarding his mother. He ate enough to gain weight and studied every literature available to him. He grew as a friend, philosopher and guide to people around him. Many scholars from far land began to counsel him and take his help. Then occur the great drought. Rivers dried up, society began to collapse and laws of land were lost. People suffered for 14 years and then it rained. Slowly agriculture begin to bloom and lets just say things were back to normal.
Mr V V, a scholar realized they had lost some precious literature during great drought, he picked mammoth task of compiling all the literature to save history from any future disaster. Ekdanta who was accredited young scholar agreed to assist Mr VV.  Mr VV narrated the greatest epic Mahabharata for him to jaunt down.