Where is my sock?

My shirt is pit stained, damp patches beneath my arms. I didn't care to change. I brought two bottles of wine, drank first one quickly and felt better, tension leaching out of neck. This one taste less bitter now. Today I saw her, we were out to meet this client and there she was in traffic in her car. I know she saw me I can tell the way she looked away like she saw something distasteful. Something off pulling in some way. I almost gave her a smile and she looked away. Robbing me away of my smile but anyway it doesn't matter. I am over. I closed the chapter. She is past. She is gone. Although I was surprised to see her here, for a second forgetting everything. But does it matter? She is married and happy. I think I should get myself a tattoo or some pet, I don't know. Something fell off the bed.. Oh it's me.....

But I loved her and when I say love its putting it mildly. I threw myself in her and she spit me out. Trust me, I know me, you don't. I am in this bar's bathroom some deal in office I give rat shit is about to get finalised this week so we are giving ourselves a break and I am very angry, like very very angry. I should perhaps write it down on paper and vent but it's been ages and I am slowly getting use to these voices. Why is this guy standing beside me? What he wants? What is he doing in loo? Should I talk to him, distract myself with small talks? I am sure he thinks I am psychotically deranged. Should perhaps talk, I like his tie, should i complement him? Would it sound pansie?
"Sup with those brows man?"
Why did I even said that? He didn't look at me.
He is still silent. Is he robot? Or is he just fermenting in his own sadness like me. Who left him? I need a drink. 

 know you might be wondering I talk shit and I am not aesthetically pleasing and cohesive in academic, literary sense but hey it's my life and I do my own shit my way. I need a drink.... Fuck this shit man...

I am gonna cut that bitch and make her feel the pain I feel, I will pierce her flesh and let warm blood trickle down and then I will mercy kill her because I love her and I can't see her in pain for long. Yea! That's what I gonna do. I am drunk again, welcome back. Tonight I am missing her so extra vodka shots, because what's the point of saving all these sperms and for whom?I remember that week in college when I didn't know you were leaving me I promised you I won't drink vodka or anything and i meant it and it was all beautiful and happy and so perfect. Tonight I am making sinkhole in vodka with your all the 'I love yous' and crawling into them to hear the echo of your voice. How easily you went away like it was nothing. Bitch! And how happy and beautiful you were looking that day without a shadow of sadness.
It was so nice and so relaxing to be with you sometime it was even more nice but it also sucked a lot of time when you were having all those mood swings and other stuff but it was perfect to me. You fought. Went away leaving quagmire of memories and quite inconvenient ending. For me it was either you or you, you should have at least said why this what is leaving god happening with me.... Strange feeling...

I like partially drunk me better, I don't know who put nirvana in my playlist and I hate nirvana. I think a lot of shit. Its not always a direct translation of reality. Like I was thinking about quitting my job, I was like "Ram what the fuck are you doing with your life? Selling soaps? Really?" And i thought about giving up but I had nothing lately to give so yea job pays enough for booze and rent and chainsaw in case some employee feel like killing his ex when drunk. So yea I am a slave of corporate bullshitology but a well played slave. At one point of my life I had given up everything, you know what point I am talking right? And when I think about her I feel strange concoction of love and hate flowing through my veins.  OK! Too sentimental, what to do should I stuff a sock up my mouth to distract?

Where is my sock? 

Fuck! Shoes taste like shit. Like her. Like her kiss and now I am thinking about our intimate moments and now I am smiling like a drunk fool and I know you are also smiling. Sweetheart. This feels good. Nope! This feels like psych ward with these noises in head and ohh what I wont do to sleep peacefully. What I won't? I think I should get a tattoo like these hippies with cum drop near the eye or something. Perhaps cat is a better idea. Whatever...